Five People Chuck Never Told He Was a Spy
by sinemoras09
Summary: Devon thinks it's Awesome. But how would the others at Chez Bartowski or the Buy More crew react? AU. Gen. Crack.


.

.

**01. Emmett Milbarge **

There is something sinister going on at the Buy More, and Emmett is going to find out what.

A lesser person wouldn't notice the minuscule discrepancies in Bartowski and Casey's off-site reports; a lesser person wouldn't notice the frequent cuts and bruises the two of them seem to sport. Emmett clicks on his tape recorder.

"Let it be noted that John Casey is once again missing from the floor," Emmett says. He glances at the clock. "10 AM. We'll see how long it takes before he gets back."

Two. _Hours_. Emmett seethes. Finally John saunters in from Orange Orange (or, more accurately, walks with a slight limp, but in any case it's a slow walk), and Emmett rushes up to him. "John. May I have a word?"

John glares. Completely unprofessional. "John, I've noticed you took a _particularly_ long time at your last outing. Don't look so shocked," Emmett says. "I've been documenting all those little outings you've been taking. Hanging out at Orange Orange; disappearing behind the warehouse. In point of fact, your disregard for authority is completely atrocious."

Emmett tries not to smile too smugly--that would be unprofessional. Instead he taps on his clipboard, waiting for his charge to respond.

John clears his throat. "It won't happen again," John says. He starts to move.

"Not so fast," Emmett says. He grabs John's arm. John's nostrils flare. "Don't you even think of intimidating me; I'm your superior," Emmett says. "And I've been taking Tae Kwon Do on the weekends, so you'll find me more than prepared."

Emmett squares his chest. "Let's talk about your sales record, John."

John grunts. "What about it?" John asks.

"Well. How about we see what your last big-ticket item was, shall we?"

Morgan peers over the DVD shelves. "Oh man," Morgan says. "That doesn't look good."

xXx

.

Casey slams the Castle doors. Chuck jerks up. "Hey, buddy," Chuck says. "You don't look so happy. What happened?"

"I have to go to PC camp," Casey mutters.

"PC...personal computers? What? You're a Green Shirt, why would you need PC training?" Chuck says.

"PC as in Politically Correct, numb-nuts. Sensitivity Training," Casey says.

"Uh...well I think think the use of the term 'numb-nuts' would be slightly un-PC," Chuck says. "You know. Just in my humble opinion, there..."

Casey slams his hand on the desk.

"O-okay. Yeah, PC training. Uh. And who's going to be doing the training?" Chuck says.

"Apparently Emmett is," Casey says. "And you're coming with me."

"Oh, but my customer satisfaction is fine, Casey," Chuck says. Casey growls.

"Okay I guess I'll be joining you, then," Chuck says. "Nothing like a refresher course, right?"

"Shut up, Chuck," Casey says.

"Alright, shutting up now," Chuck says.

xXx

.

On Sundays, the Buy More doesn't open until noon, so the store is completely empty when Chuck and Casey arrive. Lester and Jeffrey are there; so is Anna, for some reason. "He doesn't like my whore skirt," Anna says. Chuck raises his eyebrows.

"Gentlemen," Emmett says. He glances at Anna. "Lady." Anna glares. "You're all here for a very particular reason. Your customer satisfaction cards are _atrocious_. Completely unsatisfactory. So we're going to work on your customer service skills. Oh hello Chuck," Emmett says. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Uh..." Chuck blinks.

"A 99% customer satisfaction rate, nary a blemish on that long history of yours. Perhaps you think you can teach this course, is that it?" Emmett says.

"Actually, I'm here because Casey asked me," Chuck says.

"I see," Emmett says. "Well. _Chuck_. Have a seat. Perhaps we all have something to learn."

xXx

.

It takes three weekends of "sensitivity training" before Casey snaps and literally tries to break Emmett's neck. "Casey! Casey!" Chuck jumps up. "Let him go, buddy! He didn't mean it--just let him go!"

"He called me _unpatriotic_," Casey says. Emmett wheezes. "He called me a _coward_!"

"Only because you wouldn't push the 52 inch flat screens! Casey you're gonna kill him!" Chuck says. Casey drops Emmett, who clatters on the floor. Emmett coughs, violently.

"It's the fourth of July clearance sale," Emmett wheezes. "You're _supposed_ to push the flat screens, anything less than that is a disgrace--"

"I'll show you a disgrace!" Casey winds up to punch him but Chuck grabs his arm.

"Casey! Casey! It's not worth it, buddy! Let it go! Just let it go!" Chuck says. Casey growls.

Emmett scrambles to his feet. "I'm reporting this," Emmett says. "I'm writing you up--both of you! And I'm calling the police. Consider yourself fired, Mr. Casey." Emmett pushes past the both of them.

"Wait--fired?" Casey blinks. "You can't fire me!"

"Yeah, that's what happens when you try to choke a bitch," Chuck says. He follows after Emmett. "Emmett, Emmett wait--"

"That man is a dangerous individual, and he _attacked_ me," Emmett says.

"Emmett I can explain--"

"There's nothing to explain, I was assaulted by an employee; I'm filing the report." Emmett rubs his neck and picks up the phone.

Chuck takes a breath. "Wait! Casey's NSA!" Chuck says.

"Moron!" Casey says.

"You're the one who tried to choke him," Chuck hisses. He turns to Emmett. "Emmett, Casey's a high-level NSA operative and so am I; we use the Buy More as our cover. Emmett you _cannot_ call the police, otherwise our cover is blown and our country's security is at stake," Chuck says. "Emmett do you understand?"

Emmett blinks. "You're being serious?" Emmett says.

"Yes," Chuck says. "Yes, yes more than serious."

Emmett glances at Casey, then back at Chuck. "Well I want to see some ID," Emmett says. Chuck glances at Casey.

"Show him your ID," Chuck says.

Casey looks like he wants to kill him. "Chuck..."

"Look, we already blew it with Harry Tang, we might as well tell Emmett, too," Chuck says. "Here. Here's mine. Charles Carmicheal. CIA. Casey?"

Casey glowers. "Here," Casey says. He tosses Emmett his badge.

Emmett stares; he turns over Casey's ID in his hands. "You're....spies," Emmett says. "Real spys, right here in Burbank." There's wonder in his voice.

Chuck takes the badges away from him. "Yeah, real spies. With real short tempers. Casey's sorry about choking you, isn't that right, Casey?"

Casey clenches his jaw. "Yeah," Casey says. "Sorry."

"So you're not going to call the police, right Emmett?" Chuck says.

Emmett nods, slowly. "I guess...I guess if you're with the police anyway...."

Emmett trails off. Slowly he wanders back to his office.

Chuck watches after him. "You think he'll be okay?" Chuck asks. Casey grunts.

"Not my problem," Casey says, and he pushes Chuck out of the way and leaves.

xXx

.

When Emmett is shipped off to Hawaii, the Buy More employees are abuzz. "Dude got promoted," they say, in hushed whispers. "Maybe the next guy will be better?"

And Chuck thinks back of Harry Tang, and how successful that relocation had been. It's only until he gets the postcard in the mail that he knows just how successful it really is:

It's a picture of Emmett and Harry, wearing pink leis and grass skirts and holding a coconut drink in each of their hands.

"Yikes," Chuck says, and he stuffs it back in the mail bin.

xXx

.

**02. Ellie Bartowski**

"Chuck? Chuck where are you?"

Ellie wipes her hands on the seat of her pants, looking room to room. "Chuck--"

"Don't move." A man points a gun. Ellie's eyes widen.

"Oh my God," Ellie says. "Oh my God, Chuck!"

Chuck is caught in a headlock under the bad guy's arm. The bad guy smiles. "Looks like your brother is in a lot of trouble," he says. He smiles, meanly.

"Please, don't hurt him," Ellie says. "You can have whatever you want, just please, don't hurt my little brother--"

"I don't care about your brother, what I'm _after_ is the intersect!" the bad guy says.

"I don't know what you're talking about--"

"You're lying!" the bad guy says. Ellie's throat tightens.

"Please..."

"She doesn't know." Chuck wheezes, his voice strangled under the man's arm. "She doesn't know anything...please just let her go!"

The man shoves Chuck against the wall and grabs Ellie by the neck. He presses the gun against her temple. "Now," the man says. "Tell me about the intersect. Or this pretty one dies."

Doors burst open; Sarah is holding a gun. "Drop it!" Sarah says. "Or I'll drop you!" Ellie is only dimly aware of John circling around them, his gun also trained on the bad guy's back.

The bad guy drops the gun and raises his hands. Ellie falls, a crumpled mess on the floor.

xXx

.

"We have to call the police," Ellie says.

"We can't do that," Sarah says.

"But this guy just broke in here--he was trying to kill us!"

Sarah glances back at Casey. "We have to get this contained," Sarah says.

"Contained?" Chuck says. He jumps out of his chair. "What do you mean, contained?"

"Not now, Chuck," Sarah says.

"Sarah, my sister was _attacked_, we're not containing anything!" Chuck says.

"Hey! Your sister is _right here_ and she's wondering what the hell is going on!" Ellie says.

They stop. Sarah and Chuck stare and Casey groans and rolls his eyes. "What's going on?" Ellie says, again. "Who are these people? And why is everybody carrying guns?"

"Ellie," Chuck says. "There's something I need to tell you."

xXx

.

Ellie's face is pale. "You lied to me?" Ellie says. Chuck fidgets.

"Well, technically I'd only call it lying by omission, but....well yeah. Kinda maybe. A teensy bit," Chuck says.

"You lied to me--lied to my face!--about who you were and what you're doing," Ellie says. "Chuck I'm your _sister_. I tell you everything! But you kept this from me..."

"Ellie, I didn't have a choice, I swear to you, I would have told you if I could," Chuck says. "But I'm telling you now and that counts for something, right?"

"Yeah, only because some baddie with a tattoo broke into our house!" Ellie paces, running a hand through her hair. "And Sarah isn't even real?"

"Well that's...sort of complicated," Chuck says. "You know, feelings and whatnot."

"And John....?" Ellie sits heavily on the couch.

"Yeah we call him 'Casey,' 'cuz he's military and he's got kind of a mean streak," Chuck says.

"I always thought he was such a nice man," Ellie says.

"Yeah, that would be part of the cover," Chuck says. Ellie stands up again, rubbing her arms.

"Devon is going to flip when he finds out about this," Ellie says. Chuck jumps up after her.

"Whoa whoa whoa, you can't tell Devon," Chuck says. Ellie is stricken. "El, listen to me, this is a secret, okay? You're not even supposed to know about it. And Devon can't know either, right?"

"I can't tell Devon?" Ellie stares. "You're asking me to lie to him?"

"I'm sorry," Chuck says. Tears well up in Ellie's eyes.

"Hey hey hey," Chuck says. He scoots over and hugs her. "At least your no-good little brother's someone important, right? Right El? Isn't that something?"

"My no-good little brother's a spy," Ellie says, and her face wrenches. "I'm sorry, Chuck. But this is just a lot to process."

"I know," Chuck says. "You don't even know the half of it."

Chuck glances back at Sarah, who gives him a baleful look: _Don't tell her about the Intersect. Don't tell her about your father_. Chuck looks back at Ellie and sags. "I'm sorry, El," Chuck says.

Ellie sits heavily on the bed and closes her eyes.

xXx

.

Chuck is sitting on the bed when Ellie knocks softly on his door. "May I come in?" Ellie asks.

"Yeah, sure," Chuck says. He makes room so Ellie can sit. "What's up?"

"I just wanted to apologize," Ellie says. "Keeping a secret like that....it must have torn you up inside. I'm sorry I was so hard on you."

"No, Ellie, it's okay," Chuck says. "You're my big sister, it's your job to worry about me." Ellie smiles.

"Well, I'll still be worrying about you, but I guess now it'll be for the right reasons," Ellie says. She stands. "C'mon," Ellie says. "We're going out for ice cream, just you and me. And you're going to tell me what's going on with Sarah?"

"What do you mean, what's going on with Sarah?" Chuck says. Ellie gives him a look.

"Chuck, she's your handler and you're in love with her," Ellie says. Chuck stares.

"Wow you pick up fast," Chuck says. Ellie laughs.

"That's what big sisters are for," Ellie says.

xXx

.

**03. Morgan Grimes**

"Dude, you're a _spy_?" Morgan says.

Casey grunts and rolls his eyes. Chuck nods, emphatically. "Morgan, buddy, this is important," Chuck says. "No one else can know about this. Not even Anna," Chuck says. "Not even _Ellie_. Alright? You with me there?"

"Dude," Morgan says. "You're a friggin _spy_!" Morgan's eyes widen. "So wait, then you and Sarah...?"

"Not even close, buddy," Chuck says.

"...oh." Morgan looks crestfallen. "Ouch."

Casey glances back at Sarah. "This is your fault, you know," Casey says. Sarah purses her lips and lets out an exasperated sigh.

xXx

.

Despite Casey's planning, it takes Morgan all of two hours before he has Casey's surveillance cameras completely mapped out. "Dude, he has a camera in the _bathroom_," Morgan says. He points to the light fixture in the corner. "Dude how sick is that? He probably spies on Ellie in the shower."

"Morgan, shut _up_," Chuck says. "Ix-nay on the Asey-cay. He's probably listening," Chuck says.

Morgan taps on the bug. "Hello? Hello? Testing?" He taps again. "Hellooooo?"

Across the courtyard in Casey's apartment, Casey jerks forward, a high-pitched squeal knifing through his headphones. Casey grits his teeth. "Morons," Casey says. On the monitor, Morgan's face is distorted like an Edward Munch pig.

"Dude this is boring," Morgan says. "Where do you keep your guns?"

xXx

.

They've just finished being briefed by General Beckman when Chuck sees Morgan hanging out by Orange Orange. "So _this_ is your secret headquarters!" Morgan says. Casey grunts and Sarah gamely tries to hide her irritation. "Dude, so how about it? How about letting old Grimes in on Team B? What do you say?"

"This isn't a game, numb-nuts, get back to work," Casey says. He pushes past Morgan and pushes open the door. Morgan shakes his head.

"Dude," Morgan says. "What's up with that guy?" Sarah frowns.

"Morgan," Sarah says. "Casey's right, this isn't a game. This is life or death. You can't be caught hanging around here, it'll make people suspicious."

"Oh what, I can't be there for my best friend?" Morgan says. He claps Chuck on the back. "Right, Chuck?"

Chuck doesn't say anything. "Chuck?" Morgan says.

"Yeah buddy, we should probably get back to work," Chuck says.

Chuck tries not to notice the slump in Morgan's shoulders as he walks back.

xXx

.

Chuck's running from bad guys again. He should have stayed in the car. Dammit, why didn't he stay in the car? He rounds a corner and slams into someone else. "Morgan?"

"Buddy I got your back!" Morgan yanks out a hose. "Boys! Bring out the big guns!"

Jeffrey and Lester and the rest of the Buy More staff are pelting the baddies with paintball guns and hoses; it knocks them off their feet. "Yeah I told them there was a radio contest," Morgan says. "Improv, right? I'm all over it!"

"Buddy, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but thank you," Chuck says. Morgan claps him on the back.

"Dude, you know I got your back," Morgan says. The bad guys slump over and groan; they're a big painted mess when Sarah and Casey finally make their way in.

xXx

.

**04. Jeffrey and Lester**

They can't stop laughing. "Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England," Lester says.

"Guys I'm serious," Chuck says.

"Her majesty disagrees," Jeffrey intones.

"Jeff, just....guys just hear me out!"

Jeffrey and Lester stop laughing just long enough to wipe their eyes. "Seriously, Chuck," Lester says, and he claps Chuck on the shoulder. "Whatever you have going here....the soldier thingymajigs? I don't really care," Lester says. He starts to walk away. "Peace!"

Chuck stares. Jeffrey flashes him a peace sign. "Fo shizzle," Jeffrey says.

Casey just smirks. Sarah punches him on the arm.

xXx

.

**05. Devon**

Devon bangs on Chuck's door. "Yo dude. Ready for your training?"

Chuck groans and pushes himself upright. 4 AM. "You're not serious," Chuck says. Devon grins.

"I gotta be in the OR by six, so it's now or never, bro," Devon says.

It was actually Sarah's idea to have Devon be a part of Chuck's training. "He needs to feel like he's part of the team," Sarah said. "He has this secret and otherwise he'd feel useless. Having Devon train Chuck is not only a good way of using our resources, but it'll ensure Chuck will be in prime physical condition should the intersect activate again."

Really, it was either Devon or Casey, and thankfully Sarah knew Chuck well enough to know that the idea of regularly Casey-driven training sessions was _terrifying._

Chuck pulls the covers over his head. "Give me five minutes," Chuck says. Devon winks and closes the door.

xXx

.

They jog around the block, Chuck huffing uphill while Devon easily could lap him twice. "Yo man, you're a _spy_, you can go faster than that! Let's see you sweat!" Devon says. Chuck groans.

"Devon, I already told you, I'm not that kind of spy," Chuck says. "I'm an analyst, I'm like Get Smart but without a gun! Devon, Devon oh my God, can't we sit down?"

"No way, bro," Devon says. He's smiling ear-to-ear. "Sarah says we need to get you combat ready, dude, so you're sticking with me. C'mon! One more lap!"

"Oh my God, kill me," Chuck says. Devon laughs and they run faster.

end

* * *

**A/N: I'm just having way too much fun with the whole "Five Things" fic. Hee :) **

* * *


End file.
